so. life sucks.

what a shocking suprise.
like... it was good ya' know...
it was going good...and then BAM.
it went down alittle but I was still hangin' in there.

and then...it went down alittle more..
and now I'm here.

i wouldn't say...i'm depreesed or anything...but life jsut kinda sucks.
I can't exactly say why. that's the part that bugs me.
it's not a chuck thing [for once]
and it's not a school thing [suprisingly]
it's a i just dislike how things are going.

 i wish life would either speed forward or reverse.
I wonder what I would do diffrent if life did reverse...
Like when bad stuff happens i'm always like...ah i wish i could change that..
but now when i sit here and think...i can't put my finger on something i would change.
it's werid how shit happens.

fuckkkkk.

i cryed at stupid tv shows like the real world.
how pathetic.

fuck this shitttttttt.

i want to move on with life.
and I want to do it now.

so. i have officially decided that blink-182 is the best band ever.
and i don't care what anyone else says.

blah. everything is pretty good I guess.
i mean. i'm still iffy about Chuck and the whole Thanksgiving break drama...that I'm sure will happen.
and college. i'm not even think about that.
i am visting cabrini tomorrow.
maybe.

i just need something new.
or someone.
Like..a person I know...thinks I like him.
but I don't.
like...it's not a good situation. cuz he's my friend.
and ahhh. i'm make bad desicions.

and stupid other boy. is stupid...

stupid boys.

but whateverrrrrr.
I like live for fridays and Saturdays now.
like...last friday me and hevalow sat around and colored fuzzy posters for 6hours.
it was awesome. because it's not something we do a lot.
and Saturday. I hung out with Kevin,Lisa,Dylannn,and Mike.
it was so werid but familar at the same time.

it feels like junk has just come in full circle lately.
except the Chuck thing. which is werid...because it's not really a "thing" anymore.
it's somethings that's not finished. but who knows if it will ever end end.
ya know? like..it's so up in the air. but will it ever fall back down to earth?
does that make sense?

i have got to stop skipping classes.
but it's so eassyyyyy.
idk.

Dane Cook is comming up soon. Super Stoked for that.
and even though I'm dreading the Thanksgiving drama....i can't wait for actual thanksgiving.
oh. and i'm gonna lose 10 pounds. cuz i wanna.

oh. and fuck the eagles.

Blink-182 "Don't Leave Me"

Don't leave me all alone
Just drop me off at home
I'll be fine, it's not the first
Just like last time, but a little worse

She said that I'm not the one that she thinks about
She said it stopped being fun, I just bring her down
I said don't let your future be destroyed by my past
She said don't let my door hit your @$$

One more chance, I'll try this time
I'll give you yours, I won't take mine
I'll listen up, pretend to care
Go on ahead, I'll meet you there

She said that I'm not the one that she thinks about
She said it stopped being fun, I just bring her down
I said don't let your future be destroyed by my past
She said don't let my door hit your @$$

Let's try this one more time with feeling
One more time with feeling
One more time with feeling
One more time with feeling

She said that I'm not the one that she thinks about
She said it stopped being fun, I just bring her down
I said don't let your future be destroyed by my past
She said don't let my door hit your @$$

Don't leave my all alone
Just drop me off at home, and I'll be fine

i never realized how much shit can change so fast.

like. things can be like one thing one week...and then next week it's totally diffrent.
I guess we except things that happen without realizing them sometimes.

On The Radio By Regina Spektor is my new favorite song.

incase anyone was wondering.
even though no one ever reads this.

Except Fatty.
Hi Fatty.

sometimes I do things that annoy me.
i just wish i could find a happy balance with in myself.

Stuff i'm still working on.

and I really don't think I'm meant to go to college.
i don't know. Like I don't feel like its mean to be.
but if somethings meant to be...are you supposed to realize it right away.

Lisa always believes that things are meant to be. And that stuff happens for a reason.And that we should take that stuff as sign.

And I don't know anything. I have no theories...no good ones anyway. I just want everyone to be happy. Including myself. And I'm pissed about thanksgiving. I jsut know it's gonna be hell.

with the whole...thing....and then there is the other thing....and then...if we are even gonna have a real thanksgiving because...let's face it my family sucks and I can barely stand to be in the same room with my parents...or my fagg brother.

and those reasons are why I need to go to college.
to get awayyyyyyyyyyyyy.
but who knows what life will be like by the time college life roles around.

i just want to know what it's gonna be like in the future.

Like if it is actually meant to be.
sometimes I feel like it's not over.
and then I feel like it is. because well...
everyone moves on..
besides me of course.
because even though I hate the past sometimes...
it seems so much better...
even though it wasn't.

i just hate not knowing.

and I miss Chuck.
a lot.
everything would be so much clearer if he was around.
I just need to see him. To make sure he isn't a voice over the phone...
or  a picture of myspace...
to make sure he still acts the same...
make sure he can still get me mad and then have me laugh 2seconds later.
so that I can punch him. and have him laugh in my face. not just threaten.
i need his advice.
and for him to tell me everything is not as bad as it seems.
i love him.
because I'm stupidddddddd.

stupppppppppidddddddddddddddddddddd.

emotions suck.

I'm conflicted. I want this year to go really fast. But then when I stop and think of it...I want it to go slow too. I want to enjoy my senior year. I want to live it up, make some money, hang out with all of my friends, and just live life. I know that sounds fake and stupid and totalllyyy not like me at all. But really it is me. The me that i am now. Because I have been changed.

I am so comfortable with myself. Last year I was such a manic depressive. I didn't care about anything or anyone.

and then I met 2 people who totally and completey flipped my life around. A total 360 from where I was a year ago.

I never knew what it was like to have a true best friend. I can count on Lisa for anything. Any random thought that comes into my head...I can call her and tell her...and she won't even care. It's like if I am feeling pain or nervousness or worrying about something...She goes through the same thing. I have been through more with her then anyone in my life.

And then there was Chuck...
He was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't regret any desicions made about being with him. He is my best friend. And he would never ever hurt me on purpose. I know him. And I know...everybody thinks that it's just stuff you say when you are in love with someone. But I know Chuck. I can tell how or what he is thinking by the sound of his voice. He made me a better person. Know one ever believes me...except Lisa...but he did. I love that kid so much.
And He loves me.
and people who think he was just "using" me...can just fall off a cliff. Because He wasn't. So STFU.

I just have such a greater outlook on life now. And I'm not saying I'm always happy or in the perfect mood. Everybody has a bad day. But I can be mor optimistic now. And I love it.

so this brings me back to confliction.

but I still want Senior year to fly bye. But I want to enjoy it. And Maybbeeee go to college next year.